drifting drifting drifting

here are all (or some of) my secrets. my head can no longer keep them.

i chose this title based on nf’s song with the same title because i am at a point in my life where all i am doing is drifting and that song really describes where i am at the moment.

i have been everywhere in my head lately, and honestly, i think the major problem i have as a person is my overactive imagination which is worsened by my overthinking. my mind, head and heart feel full and maybe that is why i decided to make this my first letter to you this year. in my heart are several people locked in who wouldn’t get out even when some of them really need to.

i think the main fear most people have is the fear of being ordinary, of being average. i used to think my main fear was rape until now. i am absolutely terrified of being an ordinary individual. i am no genius, i have a condition that makes faces tricky for me, i have a blind mind that cannot visualize, i have short term memory that makes me doubt my intelligence almost every step. i can’t accurately quote a poem i wrote and have read several times. i do not have the gift of multitasking as i tend to fail at one than the other when i do so; this also makes it impossible for me to be in love with more than one person at once. my feelings can alternate between them, but i cannot like them the same way at a go.

i fear being average. i fear never doing all the things i dream to do because maybe some of us are meant to dream, and carry around the pain of not achieving them because we don’t have the strength or capacity to do so. you know how they say comparison is the thief of joy? they were right, but then they say don’t make comparisons and that is difficult. how can you not compare when you are an expert in a certain field for so long and then someone joins and immediately starts achieving the things you haven’t? sometimes, comparison steals your joy, but it also keeps you going because you can’t be the loser at this game.

i am stuck in limbo with a guy i have liked for a while. i don’t know which way to go because i want to stay friends, but i don’t understand this person’s personality enough to understand what is going on. am i being used? is that the only reason he is keeping me around? is he messing with my head or i am overthinking things? does he care for me? why does he do the things he does? if he cares for me, why does he never show it? why does he take these long absences from me and then returns like he never disappeared? why do i have so many questions whose answers i have a feeling i already know? why can’t i just leave and let go, disappear completely from his life? why can’t i stop thinking about someone who does not seem to give a damn about me? why do i keep holding on to the idea of his good side when the negative side i clearly see is not something i can handle? and why do i keep on asking why? why am i directing these questions at you? why do i want a chance with someone when i very well know it’s doomed to fail?

if a guy i once liked should come back into my life when i’m single and show interest in me, chances are i’d still be able to fall in love with him. i used to believe when you stopped liking someone, you no longer cared about them, and yes, in the past that was me. i stopped giving a hoot when i stopped liking you, but since adulthood, it seemed i maintained a soft spot for everyone i once liked. a soft spot is not a blind spot. i can send you back out of my life if you don’t deserve it.

i am not bothered about never getting married. i am bothered about never sharing intimacy. birthing kids someday seems unreal to me and terrifies me.

i have wasted three years as a student, or that is how i feel anyway. i have no close relationship with any lecturer (which i have always thought is a good thing but i am no longer sure about), i have a handful of acquaintances and an even smaller conjunction of friends. i have not learnt the things i am interested in and i am reluctant to finish this education because i fear i don’t know as much about my course of study as i should.

i am in my final year in school and it is more believable for me thinking i am in 400 level than thinking i am in my final year. everytime i think of it as my final year, it seems difficult to believe that i really am here, although i’m also grateful. it just feels more like a dream than reality, that this actually happened, that i really am here. it is almost frightening.

the only languages i can speak properly is english and yoruba (let’s add pidgin because how is it not a language?). duolingo tried with me on korean but it was so complex and it was at a time of my life where there was either power supply issues, data shortage or unavailability, so i gave it up. i had plans to learn spanish and french also but never got around to. i’ll probably go back to it now things are more stable (although i’m even more busy now).

sometimes, God takes vacations away from me. the days when i have been using bible apps for a long time and unintentionally abandoned my hard copy bible, i feel God at a distance, standing away from me and waiting for me to pick up my “real” bible because that is the only way he can be found, and i don’t do it until i feel a disconnect because i find bible apps easier to study.

there are times i don’t feel like praying, and i don’t force it. i use groanings. i study the bible, i stay in thanksgiving. moments like that also makes me feel distant from God at times. maybe i should be more prayerful than i am. maybe that is why i never seem to meet the God-believing kind of guy that i want, because deep down, maybe i am not the christian i think i am. those are the thoughts that sometimes play in my head.

i don’t want to lose any of the friends i currently have. i don’t really want more and i want these ones to be for keeps, to not lose them to adulthood, life, or death. i keep praying we stick together and figure out this life of a thing together.

i crave companionship with someone. not in a romantic way. but i have always had this sort of desperate longing for a close friendship with someone. a friendship where all secrets are shared. can be male or female. a friendship where we can wear each other’s stuff. a friendship where we only choose each other and no one else is allowed. again, i don’t mean romantic relationship, just a friendship that i see on tv, that i probably would have had if i had not been the only surviving twin. maybe i crave this friendship because i was not supposed to do life alone, i don’t know, but it has always been there. i doon’t entirely like that i might only get it in relationship because your friend will always have another friend, but i would at least expect that i would be my partner’s best friend. and i don’t really trust anyone enough to share this sort of friendship with them.

i am vengeful, and it's not very vicious but it's not nice either. and it's a side that people rarely get to see. a side that i wish i could change somehow. working on that.

i don't like to share my friends, nor do i want to. not even with my friends. i get jealous and withdraw. why do i think i'm losing a friend to another friend? i don't know. insecurities but probably has something to do with how i want to be the best at everything.

i am not a competitive person and don’t think of myself as one, but i usually want to be the best in everything. i want to be better than everyone at everything. i don’t know if that makes me a bad person, but it means i am happy when i win, and sometimes gloat when i don’t. the most ironic thing is i’m not always the best, and i fear i’m not the best at anything, that i cannot beat anyone in anything. but i at least hope that i find someone someday to whom i am the best thing that ever happened to them. maybe i would find a little peace in that.

i love reading but i like to do it at my own pace. i cannot read when i am numb or detached which happens a lot especially when i’m stressed, and it doesn’t matter. sometimes, i stop reading a book because i no longer feel it or i am not in the mood i was when i started reading it. i abandon it for another and may read several other books before returning to it after a while. i may never read fifty books in a year as some people do, and sometimes i feel envious because how am i not still able to do great in this aspect but most of the time, I am just okay with it. I like taking time with my books, and social media only serves the pressure once a while.

in a world where you see people with many creative talents, having writing as your only talent can be a little disappointing, especially since writers are underappreciated. everyone takes a pen to paper, write something that may or may not make sense and think they’re writers, but you don’t wake up, take a brush to a canvas without having any training or skill, paint something and call yourself an artist. so, occasionally, i feel average. basic. unimportant. ordinary. opposite of different. it does not help that when i don’t heed to those voices creating poems and stories in my head, they make me feel even worse.

i want to be known for what i do. maybe not famous, but known as a household name in a particular field. i want to leave this life content that i did my best.

i want to discover my own fashion. i want to try out new things and see if i might like them. i want to fix and paint my nails (i might), i want to wear pant trousers and short skirts (i most likely won’t). i want to wear fancy gowns and stiletto heels. i know it’ll take money but i’ll get there. i feel this is something i have to do for myself and if i don’t like it, i don’t have to do it again. i want to try it out for myself. i no longer want to hold back my curiousity and inhibitions caused by doctrines I was raised with that that believed differently. all i have to remember is moderation and that in all i do, i do not sin.

i have got dark dark thoughts in my head. i have cause to believe i inherited this disposition from a parent. i think the best of people and think the worst of them. i think the best of myself and think the worst of myself. i cannot really explain how this contradiction works, but it does. an action from a friend that hurts me does not make me try to undertsnad them first unless i get an explanation. the first thought is that they never truly cared. i don’t know why my default thoughts regrding people’s actions are negative, but they are. does that mean i do not think myself good enough to be loved that i think there is an underlying reason for people’s presence in my life? maybe. maybe not. i think i am worthy of love. i believe so. but i have learnt that it is one thing believing and speaking something, it’s another thing for your subconscious to actually believe it. but i have survived enough friendships to have this underlying thought i can never shrug off that everyone leaves in the end. that, baby, is my stance towards every relationship. platonic or not.

i feel no matter how hard i try, my best is 50% of some people’s and i won’t try to beat that, we should know our weaknesses, but it can sometimes be frustrating when your all is somebody’s half and you just can’t seem to rise above that. moments like this, i want to be a test subject for a scientific project. i want every part of my brain tested. every tissue. every vein. i want someone to dig through and tell me what they find.

why do i have so many thoughts? why can’t i shut them off? why do i obsess over irrelevant matters? why can’t i let go of issues without a conversation? why does taking off four hours out of my sleeping time make me numb and detached and able to murder without an ounce of regret? why does lack of sleep make me feel a different person, like i have two personalities and lack of sleep sends the wednesday part of me to the forefront. why can’t i assimilate when i am numb and detached, and why do i stop caring about everyone during this period?

i don’t know if these are even secrets according to my sub heading. i don’t even know why i am writing this to you. maybe you needed to hear this. maybe you feel the same way and need someone who can relate. maybe i just want you to know you are not alone in your feelings. maybe i want to know i am not alone in my feelings. maybe i want to see if anyone else can relate. maybe i am tired of being considered perfect. or maybe i need someone to assure me that i am really not average, that as complicated as i am and as all these seems, we are all the same. that this is what being human is.

ps: i’ve always wanted to do a complete writing in lowercase and that is why i wrote this letter this way. glad to rule this off my to-do list.

another title and subheading that i would love this to carry is this:

heading: my insecurities came visiting today as they do 4 times a month.

subheading: they have something to tell you.